Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
