; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
