I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
