What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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