Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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