then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
