walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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