Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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