If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
