Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
