i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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