she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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