If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
