About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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