I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
