Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
