Don't make out with my wife yet
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
