honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
