and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
