I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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