I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.