My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
