When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
