a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
