Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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