dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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