My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
