I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
