You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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