pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
