The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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