I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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