i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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