what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
