I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
