I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
NoShamevember. You game?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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