RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
