Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
