i can't believe i had my finger in that
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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