thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
