Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
