Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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