they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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