i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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