You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
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His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
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I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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