Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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