The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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