i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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