A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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