Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
