I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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