I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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