Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Randomize
