I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
