The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
