Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
