Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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