Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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