While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
